You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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