That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
the day after is always just damage control
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
