my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
