If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
