Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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