i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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