I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
