you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
