There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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