Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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