Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
