if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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