The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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