i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
