yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
