Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize