is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
