Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
