somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I touched a dick in church today
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
