you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
