if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
