I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
