Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
