its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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