I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
