yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
