I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize