I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
