And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
