I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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