I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
