this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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