I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
