Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
