Your dad touched me again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
