He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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