Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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