dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
