I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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