when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
