Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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