Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
