your thong is hanging out like whoa
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
