My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
