I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
