i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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