I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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