this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
