the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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