I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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