You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize