I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
