Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
