It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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