is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
